


Transatlanticism

by canistealyourcat



Category: Free!
Genre: !!!!, AWP, Angst, M/M, basically Angst Without Plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-05
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-21 10:05:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3688131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canistealyourcat/pseuds/canistealyourcat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by the song by Death Cab for Cutie, "Transatlanticism"<br/>Sousuke is realizing the distance between people that eventually separates them; the distance is not necessarily physical, but instead from the heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transatlanticism

**Author's Note:**

> I was feeling so much angst i literally just wrote an angst fic with no plot. Blood moons (?) and night skies and stars, enjoy :)

_Countries able to see the complete solar eclipse tonight include…_

As Sousuke walks around his room picking up his stray laundry, he listens to the TV in the living room. The faint throb of his wrist is barely noticeable. His mind has slipped into the state of stubborn numbness, refusing to address anything, nothing, and everything at the same time. It isn’t exactly comfortable, but it is better, he thinks, than lying on the bed drowning in something resembling gravel and dust straight from the Sahara Desert. Awake, yet not alive.

 

Not hearing the name of his country, he raises an eyebrow and isn’t too surprised. He has never laid eyes on an eclipse before; lunar or solar. This supposed “blood moon” is no exception. Curiously, he steps outside after methodically sorting out his clothes and throwing them in the laundry; this simple act of organization somehow clearing his mind. He opens the door to his balcony. A light gust of winter-spring wind greets him at the threshold; chilly, but not unbearable. He’s vaguely aware that his music has moved to the next song. It’s one of his favourites.

 

_The Atlantic was born today and I’ll tell you how…_

He gazes up at the night sky, noticing how the moon looks no different than usual. He smiles slightly, a little sad. Then he’s digging around his pockets, producing a cigarette and a lighter. Taking a long inhale, letting the smoke wash over him and infuse with as many cells in his body as possible, he ponders how the moon can look so different depending on where you are.

 

_The clouds above opened up and let it out_

He watches the smoke dissipate into air, enjoying the slight buzzing feeling in his chest. He knows he can’t deny his own thoughts forever, but he does not feel like dealing with them now. Taking another drag, he watches the cars go by underneath him.

 

_I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere_

_when the water filled every hole_

Listening to the sad chords of the song, Sousuke suddenly feels his chest seize, and he chokes a bit. Grabbing onto the railing for balance, he gingerly sits down on a chair and stares up at the sky, the strange numbness from earlier now replaced with something like a dam on the verge of cracking: relentless holding on, fighting the inevitable.

 

_And thousands upon thousands made an ocean_

_making islands where no island should go_

_oh no._

And _fuck it_ if Sousuke isn’t losing it right now, still stubbornly, insistently, taking drag after drag on his cigarette, willing his mind to just leave, go away, leave him _alone_ and the dull pain in his wrist is digging into his mind and to _hell_ if Sousuke has to smoke for hours on end to achieve this because he sure as hell _will_ if only he would just shut his mind down and focus on the moon or his stupid city lights or _whatever_ else is available. He clutches his head in his hands, and takes long, deep breaths that slowly disappear into short, desperate gasps.

 

 

_These people were overjoyed; they took to their boats_

_I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat_

He shoves the end of his cigarette angrily into the ash tray by his feet, and no he is _not fucking crying_ or anything like it. Yamazaki Sousuke is not crying and he knows this and wills the dam in his heart to hold, hold, hold on for dear life. But it’s no use, he feels himself breaking and crumbling and he’s starting to drown and-

 

_The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door_

_have been silenced forever more_

Suddenly his defense mechanism is kicking in and he’s thinking about the moon. He looks up, the celestial body is glowing a pale creamy white. The odd grey blemishes on its surface are like artfully placed splashes of paint. _Weird,_ he thinks, _how some people have just never seen a moon that looks otherwise._

_The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row_

_it seems farther than ever before_

_oh no._

Quite simply, it is just too far of a distance for him to cross. To anyone, really. Himself included. The image of the red head, fiery red eyes and thin, curving eyebrows and lithe, angular form is burned into the back of his mind and he shuts his eyes, trying so _damn hard_ to forget, to forget that this is a man that he will never reach, and a man that will never reach back. Quite simply, it is just too far of a distance for him to cross.

 

_I need you so much closer_

 

But he isn’t. Sousuke isn’t. Part of it is just that they do not understand each other, no matter how much they think they do. How much they _want_ to think they do. Realizing this drives the last nail straight into his heart. _Just because of where you live, you do not get to see an eclipse._

_I need you so much closer_

He gazes up again, staring at the stars surrounding the moon and the nothingness of the black night sky, stretching on forever and ever, never reaching an end. The sky covers the whole world, revealing its secrets at night that the sun tries to keep during the day. Somehow, this thought soothes him, and the pain in his chest subsides a little. He subconsciously rubs his wrist, pain shooting up his arm but he doesn’t care.

 

_So come on, come on_

Because some people, just have never seen an eclipse. _And that,_ he feels, _is why the distance is simply too far for me to cross._

He gets up, making the chair squeal in protest as it drags across the balcony. Yamazaki Sousuke takes one last look at the sky, at the indifferent moon, and then steps back inside; his heart aching, hurting, bleeding. He shuts the door behind him.

 

_So come on, come on._

_So come on, come on…_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again thank you to the best, ardencxo for reading and for the best encouragement <3 feedback appreciated!!! thanks for reading!


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